Busy

I think it is the thing I anticipated the least going into grad school, and I think it is the thing that, in the end, has had the most profound effect on me. I feel that I never have enough hours in a day to do all of the things a normal person does. Although everyone claims to be 'slammed' as an undergrad, it doesn't come close to the burden of guilt grad students heap upon themselves when they spend time on anything but their schooling.

I currently work full-time. I have only my evenings and weekends to work on my thesis, do RA work for SW, go to the gym three times a week, do dishes, cook all of my lunches and dinners, clean my house, and do laundry. Approximately one week per month, I have the joy of G and J being here and try to do nothing that takes away from that time with the kids. This busy schedule leaves me tired, and the little time I do get when the boys aren't here I mostly spend staring at the TV. I don't even read much, apart from my lunch breaks at work. I finally finished the Fellowship of the Ring today. It took me nearly 4 months.

The thing I regret most is that I rarely correspond with my family and friends. When I first moved out here, I was sending a letter every two months or so to family and friends. I think I've sent two in the last year. It almost feels like work, even though when I do finally sit down and do it I enjoy it immensely. I feel, morbidly perhaps, that if anyone I cared about were to perish tomorrow, I would have profound regrets regarding my behaviour in the last four years. D and I do our best to make time for each other, and we always put the kids first when they are here. But outside of that, I need to make a conscious effort to not lose people that I care about due to lack of contact on my part. I am a bad friend, and for that I am profoundly sad at times, such as now.

I will be done school soon. Perhaps August, perhaps September. But I will be done soon. And I can't wait to have the freedom of enjoying my free time. Of having free time. I will be a better friend, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, sister, and stepmom when I am no longer a student. I look forward to it with relish.