Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone in our home. The boys were here with us for the actual holiday, and so that was absolutely lovely.

Many books came into our home as gifts this Christmas, and I look forward to those that were given to me. I have already read most of the boys' new books to them as bedtime stories. I will be sad the day that they decide they are too big to snuggle with me on mine and D's bed and read before getting tucked in. It's such a staple - an almost meditative part of my day. I hold them, and I know the good and the bad of the day, and none of it matters right then because I have two beautiful boys who love me and who I love, and we're sharing books together, sharing a togetherness right before they fall asleep. J often nods off before we're done stories. I'm still able to pick him up and carry him to bed, but just barely. It's scary how big they are getting.

I sit in our mess of a living room, coated on most surfaces (including the floor) with various Christmas presents, wrappings, or instruction booklets. I am not a mess person, and each day this mess will get smaller as I slowly work at it in between playing, reading, cooking, cleaning, and boo-boo fixing. It's amazing to me that this mess is OK only because my boys made it. If I had made this mess it would be utterly intolerable and I'd have to clean it up before bed. But I won't - I'm heading to bed in a moment. I might read a few pages of Nineveh and Its Remains before I tuck in (yes, still working on it - Christmas shopping, cards, visits, wrapping, and a few other work responsibilities means I've abandoned this blog for most of the last month). But I will sleep soundly even though there is a mess downstairs. It's amazing what being a (step)mom will do to you, the things you're able to deal with and better yet, just accept.

G once asked if I would rather have a clean house everyday - we'd just finished cleaning up their toys that evening. He said he knew he made messes, and that I didn't like messes, so would I rather he was at Mama's? Oh, I held him close and it brought tears to my eyes. I told him I'd rather have him and his brother here and have the house be heaped 5 feet high in toys than have a clean house with no boys.

I think he was looking for reassurance, and I hope he got it. But that day was the day I decided that I'd try to let the little stuff go. It's been a long journey so far, adapting to being a Mom. But every day they teach me something new.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope you've snuggled your kids too.